We, protectors of all that make our bastardised language great, have decided to give the poor comma a break.
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From now on, commas shall be used only in the execution of the appositive phrase, participial phrase, adverbial phrase, and prepositional phrase, as well as the connection of a sentence and a dependent clause.
All other instances which the comma once commanded, such as the list (of the ordered or unordered variety), quotations, and parenthetical phrases, shall hereby be transferred to the semicolon, which shall, from this day forth, be known as the ubercomma.
You may be wondering why we have changed the title of semicolon to ubercomma. Simply, the ubercomma is just a better name. Complexly, the semicolon was deemed a completely improper naming of the ubercomma, as the ubercomma has much less in common with the colon than it does with the comma.
In order to replace the semicolon and to make writing more interesting, we have implemented two new punctuation marks for special occasions.
The first of these changes is the renaming of the colon to reflect its now-lessened responsibilities in light of new discoveries. The colon shall hereafter be referred to as the 'hemicolon,' or literally 'half-colon.' Dialects and speakers may use the terms 'demicolon' or 'semicolon' interchangeably with 'hemicolon,' as these all translate to 'half-colon,' just in two languages. It still makes no sense to me why Latin uses Semi- and Demi-, but is also related to the Greek hemi-, but that is of little consequence, and is a digression.
The hemi/demi/semicolon shall retain all abilities it had in its former (misguided) life as a colon.
The sign of a colon shall be changed, and the name shall signify more power (as it is indeed a whole colon) -- the new symbol of the colon shall be the original vertical array of deux pointes, but with a comma sandwiched in there all nice-like. It shall act as a double rest, a combination of the period and the comma; thus, it shall require five beats, or five to seven seconds, of rest when orated. This shall replace the ellipsis (" . . . "), as that punctuation is far over-used and shall be explained later.
The final punctuation shift for the comma-colon family shall be to the ubercolon, comprised of two colons placed side-by-side. This most uber of punctuation marks shall hold a special place in our hearts, replacing the ellipsis as a mark which denotes excessively long, dramatic pauses, filled with tension and awkward silences. An encountered ubercolon in oration REQUIRES no less than twelve beats of rest, translating to between twelve and thirty seconds of utter silence, which, if not observed by all present, may be punishable by up to death.
But, where falls the poor ellipsis, you ask?
It shall take on its required and first usage forevermore: to show that more exists beyond what was quoted. No more will people use upwards of nine periods in rapid succession to mean a long pause. Rejoice!
You may return to your regularly scheduled lives, but remember that implementations of this new standard begins now. Or else.
Next on the chopping block - split infinitives, ending sentences with prepositions, the Oxford(serial) comma, (<<< there he is!) and the impersonal, hanging 'it is (blank)ing.'
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